Chapter 2

Sometime in the early summer of some year that was already hotter than it otherwise should have been, in the early, late afternoon, or the late-early afternoon depending on how you look at it, Samuel Kinkaid put on his work clothes and got ready to work in the not-garden. Other than his occasional sculpting, Samuel had many kinds of unique talents and abilities. He discovered them all on accident and had never told anyone about them. As has been mentioned, he has a powerful mind. He discovered that if he concentrates on something for long enough, he can make things happen. For instance: if he focuses on the red stop light by his house for long enough, it turns green! If he stares at the birds in the yard with enough intensity, they will eventually fly away. If he stares at the puddles on the driveway after a rainstorm with enough patience, they dry up and disappear. Some other less obvious skills include his power over his not-stepfather. When his not-stepfather is watching television, Samuel likes to climb into the tree outside the house with a pair of binoculars and stare at his false ferrety father figure. If he stares at him and thinks calming, soothing thoughts, the man quickly falls asleep. If he stares at him and thinks angry or annoying thoughts, the man becomes quite uncomfortable and has to step outside for a smoke. He didn’t smoke, but that’s what he called it. You see, the Horrible-Hapsburg-Hawk in the house would hatch a dinosaur on her husband’s head if he ever farted inside; he had only made that mistake once, shortly after they were married, though he had done it many times by not mistake, just to spite the old harpy. Nicknames were actually another special gift that S.Kin had discovered that he had been blessed with. With super human cerebral agility he could manufacture nicknames that both stunned and awed. He never shared them with others really, so they really only stunned and awed him, but they were stunning and awesome nonetheless!! He also had a strange power over women, but at this point in the story of his journey, in the early summer of that uniquely hot unspecified year, he had not yet discovered it, but he was to uncover that he was a chick magnet!! Also, interestingly enough, he was also a gum magnet. If there was ever a piece of premasticated chewing gum anywhere in the vicinity of young SK, he would find it. In his hair, on his shoe, his hand, his pants, his back, or in between his toes, it was his undoing, his arch nemesis. His only other as to then discovered nemesis, was clocks. Also, the pervis at school that always seemed to get all the ladies. He couldn’t justifiably call him a pervert simply because he was successful at wooing all the chicas, but he could speculate, I mean, c’mon, why else would he need a different girlfriend every other week?? Perhaps the most mysterious gift he had discovered was one that he entirely didn’t understand. Whenever he became especially emotional, angry, sad, depressed, frustrated, scared, happy ect. he would momentarily see a black spot in his vision, and then with a lightly audible “pop” a fly would pop into existence. This strange occurrence did not occur very often, because he usually didn’t have emotions, but it had happened, and was about to happen again, very shortly.

                As he had been tending the garden the day before Samuel had discovered that one of his not-stepmother’s giant mammoth thistles had met its untimely death and would need to be removed. The question was however, how do you safely remove a thistle 1.3 times taller than you and about half as wide? Safely being the key word. After lengthy consideration, he decided that his best option might be to wrap himself up tightly in one of the large down comforters that his not-stepmother kept around for the winter. Once securely enshrouded in the feather suit of armor, he would then march right up to the trunk, wrap his arms around it, with his back straight, knees bent and pointed out, and lift it straight out of the ground like there was someone that he loved and he had just seen them again after a long separation and was about to spin them around while staring magically into their eyes like he had seen in the movies. He hoped that it would be woman. His not-stepparents had gone out for the day, so there was no one to tell him he couldn’t use the blanket, no one to force him to do it with no protection. It didn’t work. The blanket prevented 72.9% of injury, but the stubborn thistle had refused to move. He had cuts and scrapes all over his face and arms, hands and legs, from where the blanket had slipped. He had broken two shovels, a rake, a broom, a wagon, a lawn chair, a frying pan, and the neighbor’s lucky machete, and nothing had worked. Finally in desperation and exhaustion, he took off his left shoe and threw it at the monster. He had been expecting his shoe to ironically be the final touch that would have sent the weed toppling, after he had put in so much effort. It didn’t do anything, but he had then lost his shoe. As he set his foot down, it naturally struck home and landed in someone’s gum. At that moment, three flies popped into existence circling the fluffy dry crown of his opponent with a single distinct “pop” as his vision cleared, he began to search for his shoe. It took him only 5.3 minutes to find it and after removing his sock and applying his shoe once again, he decided to give it one more try. With trepidation he once again swathed himself in his puffy thermos and attempted to prepare mentally for the challenge. He hyperventilated to try to give himself the best chance, he stretched, did a couple lunges and a few sparring dodges back and forth to prepare himself. Then with a cry of fury, he charged at the thistle. Just before making contact with trunk of the otherwise immoveable foe, he realized that tackling it was a bad choice. Too late, he collided with the trunk of the thistle with his face and a sickening crunch. He stuck to the weed as if he were one part of a Velcro strap, the weed the other. Then, slowly, they both tipped over and fell to the ground.

                It took Samuel about 20 minutes to extract himself from his thistly-duck down cocoon, which required him to wiggle backwards out of the oven-like tunnel. When he finally emerged his t-shirt was pulled up over his head and tangled around his arms and face, as he stood up and tried to untangle himself, but stepped backwards, tripped over the trunk of his vanquished enemy, and fell backwards to the earth once more, both shoes flying from his feet in opposite directions. He laid there in the dirt, eyes twitching a little, and began to laugh. He laughed so hard! He was crying, he had stitches in both sides and he could barely breathe. Slowly, wiping the tears from his eyes he sat up trying to catch his breath. He discovered as he did so that he was sitting at the rim of an interestingly large hole in the ground that had been vacated by the falling thistle. It was a lot bigger than he thought it would have been, but it explained why it had been so difficult to excavate. The hole was about 3 feet in diameter, and about two feet deep, and there at the very bottom of the hole, in the very center, was a hand.